Am I ready for what is going to come?

My pasts has never been the life of an average growing kid. Fortunately it is not because of my parents. Mummy and Baba (father in Nepali😊) has always been there for me and my elder sister. They did their best they could to give us the life of royal as they used to call it while comparing mine and my sister’s lives with there’s. My mom and late father used to be amazed by my ability to recollect my childhood memories. I personally think that our ability to save memory of pasts depends on how memorable it was. Memorable memory could either be horrible/terrible or wonderful memories. I don’t claim that all my memories are wonderful as there were some points when I used to get subjected to horrifying situations knowingly or unknowingly especially from a young child’s perspective.

I don’t confront those horrifying situations anymore and it is uneasy for me to express some situations I’ve been through because it involves my family scene, and I promise that my father used to be the kindling. [Throughout my writing, it is going to take my life to speak the exact fact and I won't be too honest to my self about the details but I would like my readers, if there is/are any, to take it to your average capacity of imagination]. 

I heard it from my mother that ever since my father joined police force he strive for excellence and cracked lots of mysteries that no one did. The only thing that stood between him and his promotion and gaining fame was Security Clearance. When I was of age where I could understand people, he used to weep in festivals such as Dashain and Dipawali. He was not much of a weeper but bottle after bottle of beer used to trigger it somehow. He used to say he misses his own brothers and sisters who are far away from us. Putting all those pieces of jigs-saw-puzzle together I came to the inference that it was his frozen promotion and being all alone in the country from his parent side that made him get too much attached to the drinking habit. Mummy still says it was not like that in the beginning but those two reason made him DIFFERENT. 

I can understand how tough of a life it must have been for him living in that cruel reality. After all of his contribution to the service be was denied of promotion. I don’t really understand why the people at high fail to recognize those who die for their job. He was deprived of security clearance and he stood in same rank till his mid-career. He started drinking more. There are two type of creature people turn into once they drink: humble man or the animal man. My father used to turn into the latter. There used to be lots of family quarrel and he used to get physical too. This problem started even before my sister was born and from a young child’s perspective it was a mental torture and I never liked the very feelings of it. This may be the reason why I am so conserved and take time to get along with people and colleague. Though my father gave me some nightmarish memories and I still fear it, he was my god and he still is. I don’t know any person who loves me so much than him. Only the aftermath of his drinking habit was disaster but the other person in his heart was one in the million. He is my only greatest hero and I don’t have any expression to express that in any colors of emotion. 

I am looking forward to build a future from a scratch, brick by brick. I want my god that I believe to help me be a decent adult to all the people I serve and my generations. I personally believe that we cannot predict our mindset in the future and I am afraid to go to the future if I am to become animal man. I have no regrets at the moment for my plans. I had couple of regrets in the past but the only regret I want to kill myself for is that I couldn’t be there when my father called me in his last hours of his life. And I have my own reasons for that I know no one would understand until they see me weeping [😜].